Not my best work

Here is another dishcloth. I must have torn it out 15 times total. I just couldn't seem to get this pattern! But maybe I have hit the wall with the dishcloths? They represent something for me that I can't articulate. For some reason it is very important that I make them. I think maybe it's because I need something perfect and beautiful in my life. And maybe I need to show the control over something. And I think they also represent my whole idea of going green with beauty and style. Well, whatever it is, I need to do them and here is another one.

Another Dishcloth

This week, I 

1. finished testing all students

2. re-did two bulletin boards

3. cleaned a corner of the classroom that really needed it

4. went to a Professional Development Workshop that I liked!

5. wrote all my report cards and tried to schedule conferences

6. And...made another dishcloth!

This is the Berries pattern. It is knit on the diagonal. I can finish one of these in two days if there is something good on television! 

And here's another one!

Here's a picture of another dishcloth I finished. I am wondering who to give these to. I am thinking about giving them with a nice bar of soap and other little trinkets. 

While I am knitting I am thinking about the concept of resentment and it's effects in my life. It's like all my thoughts and feelings go into the dishcloth I am knitting and I am unburdened for a while. 

Now I am starting a lacy scarf in mohair. And tonight I watched To Have and Have Not with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Every time I watch that movie I am struck by how tiny Bogart is. I think Bacall outweighed him in that movie. This is the one where she says if you need me just whistle and then: "You know how to whistle, don't you Steve? You just pucker up and blow." Walter Brennan is in the movie as an old drunk. I came home tired and sick and started the scarf and was in Martinique with Bogie and Bacall. And then I did report cards! 

Tonight if I had one wish it would be to just do one thing for awhile-- and that would be knitting!

The Round Dishcloth!

I finally knitted a round dishcloth! I have wanted to for a long time, but never quite had the right pattern for me. Even though I finished this one and the pattern (eventually) seemed to be somewhat intuitive, I still had to rip it out three times. The problem was I would get involved in watching something on television and would forget where I was. When I realized that I was getting distracted, I turned it off. The whole thing took about two hours total. At that rate, I could do one every week or so. But really, is the universe ready for dishcloths???? 

Today I found the project management tool of Word. And made big plans for school and for the rest of my life. And now to implement them. Round dishcloths are included in the plans. I am making time for this ultimate form of therapy.

Catching up

I was catching up last night with someone I hadn't spoken to for a while. And the old resentment came out as we were talking. I looked up resentment in the dictionary and they referred to the word "grudge." And yet, I, wonderful, saintly person, also swore that I never held a grudge. Ha! Obviously, I am full of grudges and getting more all the time!

Also, I realized that resentment for me is a result of saying yes when I really meant no. Then I resent the act or the service or the task but am stuck doing it because I said yes. And not being honest with people makes me resentful as well. So I need to be honest with the people I can be honest with (you know who you are!). 

So, as I contemplate resentment and its effect in my life, I realize how it's taken its toll. And now I must act to clear up the resentment in my life. 

And more dischcloths!

Red Heart Dishcloth and Resentment

Another dishcloth! What good therapy! And cheap! The cost of a ball of yarn and I am calm!
But seriously folks, I realized this week that I have been harboring--well, maybe living with and having it consume me--- resentment for a long time. I thought of how many people I resent and it's in the hundreds. It could be in the thousands, but I stopped thinking about it after a while. So... here and now in front of God and everybody, I am declaring myself free from resentment. I am replacing it with gratitude---and dishcloths.
"Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Malachy McCourt

(I can't get the pic of the red heart dishcloth to load! I totally resent that!--Kidding!)

Pain

In A Course in Miracles it says that pain separates us from God. And at first I didn't understand or agree with that. But having been in intermittent pain for the last six weeks, I think I understand. Right now, I honestly admit that the pain I have is an excuse for me to be less than god like. I am rude, lazy, and self-absorbed. I am using the pain as an excuse not to do the things I know have to be accomplished. And I am blaming God for all my mistakes.
I know there are people who are in pain and are not doing that. And I can't really explain their situation. But for me right now, the pain that I feel is separating me from God. And it is also separating me from others. So I declare to the universe that I will not be separated by pain from God or others! Okay, at least for today I will try!

Another Sunday

Recently, I have been sick with a really bad stomach problem. But this weekend I was okay! In my former life the responsible people would say that the pain I was having would make me appreciate the pain-free state more and also give me compassion for others in pain. But I am not in that life anymore and so I can say that I hated the pain and never want it back! This weekend I was able to see people and have fun and enjoy life. I really don't want the pain back ever.
I went to the church rummage sale and scored a fabulous bunch of masks: three with feathers, two with sequins and two to decorate! And a pair of jeans that I bought for the label inside: "LOOSE."
Work and being sick has prevented me from doing any art, but now I have the muse back and I can begin again. Yeah!

What we put up with

This afternoon, I was talking to someone who has a bi-polar relative. She said that she should have seen this most recent manic episode coming because as she looked back, she could see a totally inappropriate reaction to a little thing that seemed to foreshadow a bigger explosion. This person lived with a bi-polar parent, so maybe, like me, she was used to big reactions to little things.
When my father was alive, he was arrested for shooting a pellet gun into the neighbor's house. The neighbors according to him were shooting laser beams at him. The officer who arrested him called me and asked, "Does your father have a history of mental illness?" And although I was in my forties, I was shocked to realize that yes, indeed he did! And that I just realized it then.
We put up with so much stuff from people who are supposed to love us for a variety of reasons. And we realize later that they are crazy and all we had to do maybe once was tell them no.
New goal: no more putting up with stuff!

Long Time, No Write

It's been a month since I last posted! And in that month, I have settled in to a new school and new room, hurt my back, fallen, had some horrible stomach something, hurt my back and tried to educate 23 and now 22 Kinder and first graders. And do Altar Guild work.
No mention of art, you notice. That's because I have done very little. I write in my art journal--no, really I whine in my art journal. I finished a dish cloth that I started last month. This is the nicest one ever! I finally understood the directions! I am putting it on the scanner and scanning it for you to see.
Mostly I have been trying to remember what it is like to teach 5 and 6 year olds after 10 years of not teaching them! Let me say it is difficult! They cry. They pee. They cannot stop talking about their Iron Man shirts! And I have to teach them to read write and add and subtract!
Pray for me!

Rant: I am not your entertainment!

I have been receiving phone calls from people who believe that I am available to talk to them because THEY are bored! I hate this! "I will call Colleen because I am bored! Then I will pretend to listen to her, but really I am just want to talk about ME."
Well, that's it people! No more answering the phone for me! Email me or speak to me in person, but DO NOT CALL ME BECAUSE YOU ARE BORED!!!!
And now back to the regularly scheduled calmness.
I have been getting ready for my newest adventure: teaching the K-1 at San Jose. On Saturday I went to school with Steven and Brandon and got the room ready--basically. Now I can tweak it this week. Tomorrow is the first day of school for teachers and I will be in meetings most of the time, so I needed the room to look ready for students. I have also been organizing my clothes so that I can plan what I wear and here is a picture of my new sweater. I will wear it with black pants and a white camisole. I am looking forward to a fabulous year!

If I defend myself, I am attacked

I have been dilligently reading A Course in Miracles since...well, I am not sure. But I had added it to my routine to protect myself in the "Forest." (The toxic work environment). And I told my friend about it and she made two video journals of her readings from ACIM. And...the miracles have been happening as I have been reflecting and putting the concepts of ACIM in practice. I am doing other things as well: Yoga, prayer, church service, readings from the Bible. All designed originally to protect me. And it worked! The miracles that occurred were phenomenal.
But now I am not in the toxic environment anymore and shouldn't need all that, right? No! I am moving to a new school to a grade level I love, and a room I love and I have been very grateful and appreciative. But... I met someone in the new environment who had so many negative vibes that I began to get that old PTSD feeling. I was feeling defensive.
And because I was trying to defend myself, I got the biggest back ache! I realized I was getting defensive and tried to pull away, but too late! My defensiveness did manifest itself in a back ache.
I am really defensive about just about everything, which is probably a normal human reaction. I am however trying to be more like God, so I remember to let the love of God and His forgiveness shine through me.
And on another note, I could not have gotten my room ready without the assistance of my three wonderful grandsons, Brandon, Steven, and Matthew. They worked like troopers to get the room ready for the first day of school. Thank you!
Here is Brandon on the Aero Bed with Stanley guarding him--or waiting for him to wake up so he can play.

Too much time on my hands!

I have been researching sites for teachers of both fifth and kinder since I won't know what grade I will be teaching till next week (I hope it's next week!). There are tons of sites out there and I want to publicly thank the teachers who gave so generously of their time! What a lot of work! I am in awe! When do you all sleep????
While I am waiting for news of my assignment, I am taking advantage of this free time I have. I will never have this time again! So I need to enjoy it! I am making desk accessories out of (plastic) coffee cans (no tinnies!) and glass jars. I made fabric flowers that turned out sooooooo cute! I am in love with these and plan to make lots more! I can make them for the ECW craft sale or give them as presents. I will put magnets on the back. I scanned the ones I have made, so the picture looks dark, but you get the idea.
I made one with the lace I got at the thrift store last year. This is lace that was used to make panties. I think the lace flower looks great but I am not happy about the button in the middle, so I will upload that scan later.
On another note, the woman I was writing to for Chemoangels died on July 19th. She had lung cancer. i wrote to her for 5 months. I hope her family are comforted in their grief.
And finally, I am saying to the universe that I am going to stop complaining! Yes! And to mark this momentous event I am making a new altered book! (any excuse:)). I am making a "Do you know the Way to San Jose?" book. I am going to use it to capture the beginnings of my new adventures at San Jose School. I am so grateful to be in a new challenge!

Art Society

Another Art Society meeting was held Saturday. We watched Lynn make tyvek beads and then Zanna showed us how to make blank journals with fabric covering a cut book cover. I made mine purple since I am into flowers and happy colors and sewed the binding in pink hemp beading string.
Yesterday while procrastinating the clean up that Art Society entails I decided to make another blank journal. This one is covered in black and white fabric with black and white cardstock pages. I watched "Love in the Time of Cholera" while doing it. "Love" is really a Javier Bardem fest, which is not a bad thing at all. I think I need to read the book to get the whole point of the movie other than love transcends all.

Meaningful dialogue--Intimate conversations

I have just finished taking a technology for educators class. It was four days at Cal Poly. I received a lot of info about various aspects of tech ed. However, I was amazed to understand the depth of knowledge that our students need to communicate in the world now.I love technology, but do I really need a facebook, myspace, etc account? The blog is my attempt to chronicle my art journey, but what else is important. The facilitator for the class was talking about how she checks her accounts when she gets home from work and chats with her daughter and other friends. And there's Skype for talking on web cam. And on and on...
I feel like I get enough being talked to during the day. I want to enjoy face to face intimate conversations with people right there in the room with me. Low voices, slow talk, meaningful dialogue. That's what I want after a day of teaching the sound of the letter a.
However, I did get inspired to begin--again--my book of Bad News. I think I will make it an ebook though and allow it to be downloaded.
And finally, my Friend, Shirley has a You Tube video on A Course of Miracles. They are really good and the idea of a video journal is such a good idea. She turned her PowerPoint presentation into a quick time movie then uploaded to YouTube. She said she couldn't see herself writing her thoughts in a an actual paper/pencil journal. See? Technology again! Maybe I need to travel back in the time machine to pre-computers and appreciate the world after their invention. I'll work on that.:)

Working on Computers

I am taking a class on educational Technology, but I am really trying to see how I can use this for art. So... here are some pictures I took of recent works and uploaded to Picasa.

Trying to make a movie!

Post cards

Today was postcards to be altered. Scans to be uploaded later,

Earthquake!!!

The 5.4 earthquake centered in Chino Hills really shook us up. Stanley was freaked. He went into the living room and was barking and I grabbed him and took him to the hallway. We stayed there for quite awhile. As I was crouched in hallway, I saw the ceiling fan in living room swaying. It was strong! Stanley and I huddled on the couch for awhile. Then I gave him some PetEEZE because he had thrown up. Later in the day he was stuck in the office and wouldn't come out. He just barked and barked. Finally I picked him up and carried him to the couch and we did more sitting and calming. I debated whether to take him to Pet Training, but I did and he performed like a star! Wow! When the pressure is on, he can do it! What a trooper. Earthquake??? What Earthquake?

Free!

I have mixed feelings about this, but I am putting it out to the universe. I am leaving the school I have been teaching at for 16 years. My last day was yesterday. I am truly sorry to be going, but my position was eliminated and I couldn't stay there as a classroom teacher. As much as I want to express the true story of what went on, I know I cannot. So...on to a new chapter in my life. I went to meet the new principal yesterday and she doesn't know whether to put me in K or 5th, But then she may have a K-1 and I love K-1, so I hope I get that. I will be downloading standards for all today! And a trip to CM is in order.
In the meantime, I am off work with a small four day seminar in technology education in August. More time for art! And I signed Stanley up for the intermediate class in dog training. And I prepared five books to be altered. Three are board books that are painted and one is a board book that is going to be all fabric as a base. I wonder how to put other things on it, but that's my challenge! I am also doing three books in tissue as a base. I am liking that a lot! So that makes more than five! Maybe I do need to teach kinder!
Just knowing I survived 386 days is commendable! I need a prize!

Altered Board Book Tutorial

This morning I decided to post a tutorial on how to prepare an altered board book. I think a board book is a good way to start since it usually only has about 6 to 10 pages and the fear of the empty page just isn't so bad. Also, I buy my board books at the thrift store and they are really cheap, So if you mess up you have only spent a quarter! I like to buy a few at a time and prep mine so t hat I have a bunch on hand whenever the mood strikes me.
So here's what I do:







That's the first step. Now on to the next! Tune in tomorrow!

Good News!

After almost 10 months of anxiety and stress, I am leaving my position for something else. I am not sure what I will be doing or where, but I am grateful to have a job and to be in a different location with different challenges.
Although I have done some art, it has suffered as I have tried to overcome my anxieties. Moving to a new location will help. I am sure. I also had a computer crash and all my pictures of recent art work were lost. So I am now compiling a new folder and will put all my art work on a separate hard disc. What I've done so far are:
Painted three bird houses for decorations for a party
Started on (another) shrine
Completed an art journal for April and May
Started on another for June
Made some charms our of key tags. I will post pictures later.

Back to Blog

Since Christmas I have been working to be less stressed and more able to overcome what is essentially a PTSD reaction to someone's crazyness. So although I am working really hard and reading and meditating and doing yoga and saying positive affirmations, I am right now so tired of it. To add to the mix, I got a dog on Friday. I wanted to name him Fernando, but he just isn't a Fernando, so his name is Stanley. And he is a Stanley. He is about 3 years old and a terrier of some kind. Amy rescued him from the freeway off ramp, but since she has two dogs already, she thought I would like him. So now I have a dog. He will be neutered on Friday, and he will be groomed today. He was very matted.
I have done little art, but am now getting back. For Art Society we are making charms and I am trying to think of different ways to make some. I have a couple of prototypes already, but want to expand. And of course, when all else fails, I alter a post card or two.
Instead of art, here's a picture of Stanley before grooming. And now back to meditation: "you are in a forest...."